Seized Fear.

 Fear of alignment currently looks like 

Me: sees something and gets drawn to it.

Me: No. That's more money to spend. You're running low. 

Me: Every move I make right now is FOR my benefit.

How am I supposed to choose between keeping myself safe, and still running low, and keeping myself afloat, and not knowing what's next. 

I am safe. Running low is I don't currently know where the next income is coming from. I know it's coming. I don't know HOW. I can't quite say I have anticipation. Maybe irritation. Why can't I know? Why is it... hard to develop an idea of what could happen for me. 

I told myself perhaps I need to write out "hey, this is what I want to happen". Then I think of Dany L.'s text, with it's amazing ending.

How he starts by documenting things. He starts observing his transition into writing. He documents his process of surrounding in the midst of his writing. He captures the end of the writing. 

The part where he no longer feels the need to do with others.

He submits his work. THIS part gets me. Submit it where? That's me. Who do I show myself to? Who is looking for me? At me? 

Earlier I spoke of not needing to hear Virgil's talk. Now, I feel like resting versus going to an event to show my face. I've bought fabric. I have dress designs in my head. 

I know to keep going. I'm going to keep going. 

I'm sad. Sad that I can't find confort in my fear of what's next. Sad that I don't quite feel excitement for what's been occuring. There's a buzz. But it's casual. Casual for fear that if I get too happy, I'll skip some parts in my mind and then It'll be August and I'll be wondering still, what's next. 

That's my fear. Slightly. That by August I won't know what to do. 

I want my dreams to be clearer. I want to know what I want to work toward. Then maybe it won't be so scary. Them maybe I can say, even if I'm "off-schedule", "well this is the steps we're at". And I've tried it commercially. Thinking I'd sell things. Working hard to market myself for that.

But I don't want that. I know. It's hard to know WHAT I want. Cause I can DO so much. I can focus on what I'm doing now. 

I just then fear I need to document and show it. 

When I opened this browser I thought, "hm, I wish I could get lost in this the way one would as a teen. Where you just do stuff. There's little regard for what's being seen. But you do it". I'm tired. Literally I might go to sleep. 

I can't write this without having ideas on how I want to change my direction. I'm just so sad to see myself working so hard and knowing there's results within me, yet being aware of what's outside of me. 

Just last night I was watching cars drifting. And when I thought *hm* and prepard myself to think of my future, the thought relaxed. 

I'm gonna relax.