forgot to post

 I know weed is not for me. Weed feels like I can have some cool thoughts on it. Weed seems like it speeds up my process. Weed seems like it's chill... cause I'm just reflecting. Sobriety makes me feel fine.Sobriety I feel like I'm okay. Reflecting. Weed makes me contemplate religion. Weeds make me contemplate my believe versus acceptance system. With weed, think of history. With weed I think of ... 

Alright let's start. 

I wanted to explore how I sew on weed. Perhaps its an attempt to explore how the experience impacts my sewing *tries really hard to imagine Southern grandmas (are you only picturing white women!?) (

Lol, my grandmother. attempting to speak to me. Ugh, is it bad I want to believe in ancestry? Ancestoral guidance? I FEEL LIKE IT! I tried to feel accepting it toward it in 2016. (aye you say dates so that the reader "At anytime" can feel like they were there "or is easily necesarry can research that period, have an idea of the time you're describing". 

"I must explain my fears" she said.

"When I think fast, I move slow".

I'm questioning if weed makes me think to fast. In the since of I process certain topics just a little quicker. 

"How can I go about this?"

"What I do and don't want to value"

"Best Practices for my Life"

"And I'll be aware of such matters/topics when I'm not high". 

"But... it's never quite the same. And I notice a timestamp difference." 

My days are bluring y'all. Fourth of July did it. Someone mentioned it yesterday, said they agreed. 

Was Fourth of July different for EVERYONE, or just those who feel they've placed input in orchestrating their day?" 

I'm torn between thoughts on love 

"Who gets left behind? Is no one left behind? Am I just scared and now NOW ONE gets left behind. Wait... What's left behind? 

I read a book. Called. Titled, The Courage to be Disliked? 

Getting Popular! 

Am I basic for having read that book? I always ask because I wanted to ensure that what I developed a relationship with was genuine. I'd say when it comes to art, but I'd like to emphasize with myself that I always have good judgement all the time. It seems not likely to uncover. 

Oh, I have a fear my grandma had schizophrenia. There's a label in her family rhetoric of going AWOL. She left my mother and daughter with their grandmother, I believe for years, BUT it is possibly that it was at least over a few months, and then she resumed. (Which as I reflect seems better. I need to get my mother to recall dates.)

Just now, I've reflected. "I used to be scared to do that". Like I would, but at times she doesn't seem QUITE as enthused to reflect. (Again another reflect, that might not be personal to me, and at anyones perspective, I don't have to consider it. *author wants to share at times she reflects on the existence of a trauma bond between her and her siblings. Is it hard for me to reflect of the possibility to one because a. sometimes I think little of the concept and it's existence and don't mind attempts to invalidate it or we really DID have one and it MAY have formed during seeing it other experience strong amounts of pain, and having to develop practices, but not quite knowing how to, that causes us to reflect and assume the role of childlike conflict discussion practices which me carry into adulthood. "

Now where was I? My aunt discusses a moment she STOPPED talking to people. And even now, she'll pause and adopt her own patterns. She's SO strong, it's so interesting to see her as a person. At one I linked her to Jada Pinkett Smith. No more lol. You wouldn't either.

Now I wrote on tumblr ... "Just checked,  I don't have anything on there, but I DO have https://www.tumblr.com/ashiadw, an outfit of me first designs. I'm torn between doing this more or less on the ipad. If I need to, if it helps my process. I feel like... it kinda did. I'm see. 

Because I need help with the maneuver that allows for shorts/legs to be made into a whole. I keep getting my side seams made with the center seam out. 

I question, how in my grandmother's later age, she attempted to sew. I say attempted because, though my mother knows how to sew, she said yesterday " I would want a PATTERN". And Here I am now, now using a pattern. Is it horrible? No. I image that the way I WANT to explore fashion and clothing, my first thought isn't always to get a pattern because i may not be necessary *upcycling*. 

I do enjoy learning your body, so hearing my measurements, *and seeing them in action when I get them wrong*

*************************************** will be in future generations etymology. 

Someone told me I had an optimistic view of social media. I really think white people deprived from hope. 

And the balance of the two of us together is not working. 

And that you're seeing a transformation of schizophrenia. of the internet. of the social structure in the south,

BECAUSE IN THIS ESSAY I WILL BE

Discussing (why'd it have to be anylyzing in school?), why White People come from different lands. Where they experienced a variety of social structures, which develop off individual, communal, and eventually cultural lands. I.e. How you live is impacted by the environment. So if you have a bunch of people breathing bad air, AGAIN IN THE AREAS WHERE THAT  DIDN'T EXIST IT FIRST, BUT YOU PUT A BUNCH OF BLACK PEOPLE THERE AND NOW THE AIR HAS TRANSFORMED. 

AND THE CONCEPT IS CALLED WHITE FLIGHT. IT IS BASED ON HOW IN

Charlotte in particular, The land was divided in the C V S

That means we had the NORTH, SOUTH, WEST.

Listen here my dear its banging in my chest. 

I'm anxious now and I just don't get rest. 

My brother two. 

It's GOT US IN DISTRESS.

I'm vibing out I just need to carress. 

To touch you love you I just won't confess. 

I came home at 8:33. It is 9:15. 

I am realizing the men that like me or also not only open being with a man in whatever capacity they so choose, but are also likely autistic as well. 

This man ,,,, (ooh is that ascethically more pleasing than the dots?)

Now granted we were near other people. But I mean I has said it in front of others. 

But now I remember that we weren't. I think HE might have said something to others. Can't fully remember. I was intoxicated... did that play a roll or was I also experiencing my times blurring?)

I asked if he was gay, he said no I'm southern.

Lol, no shade to myself but I be able to remember more if I'd get to the point *cue better writing*

Ayo Edribri is inspiring. 

Weed makes me SHIT like HORRIBLE

If this was MY website, I'd make the fon'ts look cuter, have more variety. 

If I had a website I'd have a writer.

There's a difference in how men and women get inspired.

See, men'll take a jump they'll say yes.

I've an idea,

I'll yes

I really thought that if we could get it popping you'll say yes

And then you'll be so impressed

Except I wasn't

Cause if that nigga what you aint

Then my dear I can't afford ya

To which I say

Oh

Okay

"Did they not wanna take the risk?"

"Yes"

Is it easy to exist.

Yes, that somebody could get it popping perculating up IN THIS BITCH

That's what we do

God bless achoo

Yeah I came in late but Ima walk in too

Ima rep yo set

White flags bang blue

Red Nip T Shirt

Yeah bay that's how I do.

Lol, Now when you think of greats who've died. 

Martin Luther King. Jesus. WHITE AMERICA? 

BLACK AMERICA?

THE SOUTH! Please tell me, who are you taught to be amazing people who contributed great things for the country? To the people? 

SOMETIMES I have to worry North Carolina. But then I go, the things I'm learning from are 

Omg, I just know all celebrities, (hm, the new age, on however much fringe of their genre) are AUTISTIC.

Trying not to indulge in myself because I've been denying that it exists. I DO BELIEVE Autism can be about the way one processes the world. And how they are able to respond via theyre body. I work REALLY hard for my language and perspective to not be exclusionary toward people (the language used to be invalids, what is it now? disabaled? Is dis-abled NOT abled?" (then I always worry about the "I'm NOT YOUR SPOKESPERSON" experience".

My day will consist of 

The movie with monofeo

Luke's Car Show

My parent's house for hot dogs. 

Gonna explore some new ways of filming that content.

The south is going GAY BABY. 

WE ARE LOCKED. AND LOADED. AND READY TO CONTRIBUTE TO DISMANTLING THE ECONOMIC SYSTEM.

Lmao, do anarchist do that?

Um, BLACK AMERICANS... Cause White South I think y'all have chosen your  heros, HOW MANY OF YOUR HEROS HAVE DIED? *why do I feel like letting the audience know sometimes your hero isn't real... or did die... in a damn movie.*

Um, do I have beef with Wakanda...? No... Marvel?

Now, There's this white man. 

I think he on the spectrum. 

He's a yeller. He forgets himself. 

He from the South. 

Like. real country where you gotta intentionally plan best practices before getting involved; and or progression forward. 

He carries a notebook. 

How do women, bi-sexual or (asexual is when you are attracted to no gender (at varying levels), polyamorous is you are willing to date multiple people. Polygamy is you marry multiple people. Patriarchy is a group led by men. Matriarchy is a group led by women and you may have a Matriarch, the woman that led your family because you did not have a man doing so, whether he said back because it was common is his community for women to lead. And you wonder why the Feminist movement was started moved, driven by black, queer women. 

I don't have to explain how all other movements started after the civil rights movement for black people demonstrated higher need for personalization int he government via departments? 

I hate that I'm advocating the need for departments. 

I hate that I'm questioning anarchy. There are some people I really respect that are anarchist. 

They go "I'm just anybody doing anything". 

"What does that mean?"

Now these conversations get me going because It DOES remind me of how Angela Davis maintained for quite a while that she didn't FULLY align with every group she affiliated herself with. Now, I wanna know was that FORMAL or NOT?

Think of how we show respect. "I'll attend that event let, I don't mind" 

I just realized, I'm going to be emailing my work to my Black predessesors. And if I can't get them, Ima get the NEXT grade. and if I cant get them ima get the NEXT one. and So on. 

People in the South do it BACKWARDS. They GO > Oh, I want to do this... Is there a market for this... how much scale do I need... and then go from there. So the breweries.... they decided they were fine depending on what they offered, where they were located, etc. etc. how much can we all get out the pot so that we can sustain ourselves, which IS how historically industries have formed *cue the diamond industry and their 2016 run of commericails, it was iconically.. sad? And A great sign. That we're on the right track.

BEcuase if I can't get them to pay attention through striking and sneaking. I will just transform you in the ways you like. And what you like will transform over time, cause you're gonna like me. And I 

just questioned earlier, how will I experience fame. 

Will I have my family know?

Will I be like Vivian Maier, where no one knows she exists. If  my family knows this is me now, or looks on here, will they still have respect for me?

I'm kinda looking forward to my high come down, where I don't think so highly of myself. 

Because when I do, I always get scared that my family won't be here the same. And luckily for me, THAT HAS EVOLVED AND IS FINE CAUSE I SAW MY ASS SLEEP ON THEY COUCH LAST NIGHT. And my sister in lockdown mode. And I respect her. 

Shit IS cyclical. But could be greater. And Every bit of opposition you have toward my ideas, you'll stay stagnant. 

Teaching taught me go off numbers. 

Life taught me be myself. 

Ugh. I did. I just deep negro spiritual sighed.  lol why is that just so funny. even if its not. Idk. 

So in 2016,