Negroes with Guns, Robert Williams, Monroe NC.

 Live updated as I read. *listen, go get a free library card so you can access audiobooks on platforms like Hoopla*

Thoughts so far:

The other day two white men called me brave for going to Statesville North Carolina where I met up with two white men who had a noose in their front yard.

I told myself it was artistic by the time I left that house.

But also, two white men calling me brave is not favorable. Two white men calling me brave is two white men holding up a status quo they THINK they understand. And it is that dual consciousness that makes me go "no, I cannot fuck a white man".

You see, in the chapter Self-Defense Forces Protection, there's a scene where a "police authority" (quotes cause that shit is made up cause why do police exist if they get to pick and choose what they want to protect every few years/decades/centuries?) says 

"well if you shoot any of these white people I'm gonna kill you!"

and Robert Williams writes "I don't know why he thought I'd let him live long enough to kill me"

Cause why would the story stop where the white man says so? Cause he white? Cause his name said police? Cause thats HIS perspective and the limits (forced by ego, cause no other body can hold on to such energy for LONG) he's imposed?

So no. I'm not brave. I don't give a fuck. And if you really an ally neither should you. 

#endthestory. - a reflection of how by upholding practices of fear it allows racism and imperialism to continue. Someone write on that. (I will)

I love how throughout he's attempting to USE the system that exists. He's not immediately saying eff the system. He's saying call the police. 

Y'all know I been hanging with them anarchist. They all "no system no system". 

Baby what. Are you scared? (or being led by a white person?)

Well cause look. 

We met up yesterday. I say "So let's make a running budget". They don't move. My peer says "Can we make the budget now?" I say "can someone better describe the event so there's a better idea of what's taking place and a budget can be developed easier".

White person: "Well we really don't know. I mean it could be this it could be that." "We could pay people but I've seen it be all volunteer".

My Peer: So how much are we gonna pay our people?

Cause bitch. You ain't putting the WORK in for volunteer work. 

And it ended with a loosely put together budget. No cohesive-ness. No togetherness. 

Again, we gonna stop treating being emotional like a weapon or plague (note that anytime I said again, and you have not seen me write on that topic before... I had the conversation first with myself and God). 

I question myself like "Should I feel shame for wanting to work with people? Is that hand holding?" Why are my communities so effed up that building cohesiveness amongst them IS plagued with defensiveness, abrasiveness, and so much more... Where grace is given but in hesistant strips. I just... *sigh*. 

I have to remind myself that POOR white people are just that. Even the rich ones ain't got sense. The poor ones are mad. And what is poor? 

1. If you ain't living amongst a majority of your kind... I got some questions for ya

2. If you kid went to a school and white people wasn't a majority, questions

3. If you ONLY live amongst ya kind... no questions

4. Ya kid school solely white. This is getting more challenging to do.. so if you can do this in a city? y'all uphold racism. 

I just -  I'm assuming if you can't be near your kind then your money is at varying degrees, funny. You may be aware of what to do with ya money though to varying degrees. 

And yes. I do have questions. I won't ask em, because 9/10 Ima still think you ain't doing enough. 

*Sigh* can't even read my book in peace im getting upset. 

If I can be honest... I'm surrounded by black people that are not historically black southerners. 

And black people not from North Carolina doing stuff for North Carolina, specifically Charlotte. 

I just - I bring up poor/working/middle/upper classes of white people cause y'all ancestors came to this country and taught y'all (if I call y'all dumbasses, ima get banned?) to still align with the people who would rather develop and maintain debilitating social norms than associate with you. 

And you said... ima get like them? or "I guess I like this little life?" sat on yo ass, and did NOTHING to change it. Ain't realize your education suck just as bad as the rest of ours. 

UGh.

And the ANGER that is OOZING out of me... SO many Black People feel it. And some willing to set those fuses off easier than others.... AND YOU KNOW THINGS NOT OKAY BUT YOU DO NOTHING AS IF IT IS? IS THIS SAFE? 

and the FUCK ASS GOVERNMENT, Put itself into the habit of being in GLOBAL ISSUES. and HISTORICALLY HAS PLACED HIGHER VALUE ON WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM ABROAD, THAN WHATS TAKING PLACE HERE IN VARIOUS REGIONS. 

Oh isn't it nice I can just talk and exude my pissy ass dissapointment in the u.s. government. 

SO. My advice: Let's allow for changes abroad. If they are gradual, come up for intentional ways to release the reigns we so desperately seem to want *now who wants them hmmmm*. 

Let's not split ourselves too much. I'm sure if you get intellectuals from all areas to sit and discuss, we can... yeah. 

And let's focus on what's happening here. Let's clean it up. In focusing on you, you set a standard. Everyone knows this. 

*sigh*. Now... I just had a thought... y'all education sucks. Y'all know better but you don't know how to have courage. Have no hearts! I got yall. Ima teach you.